carsyn grace

Feb.18, 2012 I walked into Carsyns bedroom to get her from a nap, and when I opened the door I saw Carsyn was standing in her crib.  JOY JOY JOY ... overwhelming joy ... overwhelming emotion.  I laughed, I cried, I jumped up and down.  She smiled her huge, gorgeous, amazing smile.  We rejoiced.  We celebrated.  And we are still celebrating.  She stood on her own, without braces, unprompted by anyone.  She stood up.  It still takes my breath away every time I think about it.

If you don't know Carsyn or her story, you might not understand the hugeness of this moment.

 When I was about 18wks pregnant, we found out that she had spina bifida.  The ultrasound showed an opening in her back, fluid accumulated around her brain and spine, and her spine was actually crooked.  We were told that she would be wheelchair bound and have a very rough road ahead ... that is, if we wanted to continue the pregnancy.  Of course, ending her life was never ever an option, so doctors tried to prepare us for what life would be like when she was born.  We knew our lives had forever changed that day when we got this news, but we didn't know exactly how.  No one can every prepare you for that.  But truth is, even in the darkness of that moment, when we saw the ultrasound, when we heard the news ... even in the despair of that moment, we felt hope rise.  We felt strength from a place deep within.  Isaiah 50:7 began to well up within me,

'Therefore, I have set my face like flint, and I know i will not be put to shame' ...

And that is the stance we took from that day forward.  Focusing on the promises of God, the truth of God, the goodness of God ... setting our sights on things above, not on things of the earth.  Our faces set like flint ... like a stone ... set, hooked, holding on to the promises of God.  Holding on to the fact that He is good.  Choosing to hold on to His goodness without wavering.

I am not going to lie, this was not easy.  And there were times my mind went crazy and my heart felt broken in a million pieces.  Nights that Jeremy and I just held hands in bed and spoke out loud truths like, 'God you are good... We trust you God ... We give you Carsyn ... We love you God' ... truths that we knew in our heart were true, but ones that our heads were having a hard time really catching a hold of in that moment.  Giving Him Carsyn, surrendering her life to Him ... which felt so hard to do sometimes ... most of the time really.  We had to talk ourselves into faith over and over.  We had to make a decision to speak out loud what we knew to be true rather than allow ourselves to dwell on the present reality that filled our every moment.  We had to choose faith or fear ... and we decided to chose faith until fear died.

For the last four months of my pregnancy, we knew her diagnosis ... with every ultrasound, we walked into the room holding hands, committed to believing in what we did not see more than what we did.  I would lie on the table and they would scan my belly ... our sweet Carsyn on the screen ... they would show how her legs had not moved since the last time, they would show that opening in her back again ... but we kept our minds on the things of God.  I kept a picture in my mind of her dancing with angels, a picture of her running, a picture of her smile ... mental pictures God had given me, that I fed myself on.

Again, this was not easy ... not at all.  But a decision had been made, and our faces were set like flint. And there were times where he struggled more than I with this, and times where I struggled more than him ... but we held each other, and God held us ... our family, our marriage, our lives, deeply impacted and strengthened in the most amazing way.

Over these four months we learned to trust Him ... really trust Him.  We learned to believe in His goodness.  We could be torn apart because of the stress and pain of the situation, or we could be knit together by the hand of God.  We could cry about what this pregnancy was not, what they said her life would not be, or we could rejoice about what God was doing in our lives and would do in hers.  We expected God to show up.  Every day, every night, we expected God to hold us.  We expected it.  We could not breathe without him, so we expected Him.  We expected miracles.  We still do.

And the night I went into labor, there was this amazing peace over both of us.  It could have been a day of extreme stress ... knowing what we had been told about our baby, but not knowing what exactly was going to come.  But, really, there wasn't stress ... there was peace, there was joy ... we were so covered by the presence of God.  His presence was so thick around us.  It was so special.  We expected Him that day, and of course He was there.

She was born with no fluid buildup around her brain or spine.  Her brain and her spine were perfect.  The doctors were surprised and amazed with how she was born, because it was not what the ultrasound had shown.  We weren't surprised though ... God had told us her brain and spine would be born perfect and we expected it.

There was a small hole about the size of a quarter in the base of her back which needed to be closed up surgically.  I was able to hold her for about a minute before they took her to the NICU.  The next day she had surgery to close that hole.  The following week she had a shunt placed in her head because after her back was closed, fluid slowly began to accumulate, and she needed a shunt to keep it drained.  She was in the NICU for 5wks.

And her first 21months of life have not been like most.  She has overcome things that most never will have to overcome.  And because of this, we have had the privilege of experiencing celebration in so many little things that we would have taken for granted had it not been for Carsyn.  We have been honored by God with the opportunity to experience joy at a level that so many will never even know.  And there has been so much beauty birthed out of the struggles.  So much celebration.  So much joy.  The little things are so big.  

So, when I walked into Carsyns room on Feb.18, and she was standing in her crib waiting for me, I was overwhelmed by Gods goodness ... a joy filled me that cannot be described.  Hope was renewed, and I was strengthened.  And what Jeremy and I recognized that day is that the joy that we feel, the hope the we hold, the strength that we carry because of Carsyns life, needs to be given to others.  We want to share what her life has given us.  

Hope is contagious.  And hope inspires.  It gives life, it gives joy.  And our prayer is that her story gives hope.  That it inspires you to see God in all things.  That it causes you to live a life of celebration in the smallest things, even in the midst of hardship.  That it encourages you to make the decision to rejoice in the midst of the unknown ... when life is hard and nothing seems to make sense.  And that you choose to live abundantly as a victor, not as a victim.  Knowing that your life is meant to be beautiful and celebrated, and that you are here to give hope to others and to let your light shine bright.

And so we made this short video of pictures that chronicle the victories she has had already in her first 21 months of life.  We want to share with you this celebration, this joy, this hope that we have.  He is so good and we are so blessed.  Thank you for your continued prayers for our sweet Carsyn ... we know we will see her dancing on her own two feet soon ... God told us she would dance, He is faithful, and we expect it.

click on this link to watch the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUOm7okf7CQ&context=C37c0f47ADOEgsToPDskK_Km3Yj8soHovrzqB90Gi5

'Your faith being tested produces endurance. Let endurance have its perfect results so that you may be complete. The whole point of a trial is to give you something, not take anything away from you. It is to advance you and add something to you. Thats why you should be joyful, because God allows in His wisdom what He could easily prevent by His power.'

-graham cooke

and this is God...

Throughout this entire adoption process, Jeremy has consistently said, I just want to give a kid a second chance at a life that he wouldn't have had. The first time we spoke to Isaiah's birth father, he thanked us over and over again, and then said, 'Thank you for giving my son a second chance at life' ....

This is God ...

thankful ...

I have a notebook that we have kept over the past 9 months where we have written all that God has spoken to us about our baby. One of the first things was that it was last December when I started feeling like God was talking to me about baby #3. I didn't know if we would adopt or I would get pregnant. I was not ready for baby 3 at that point, so I really tried to ignore that inner voice telling me it was coming. When I could no longer ignore the voice, we began praying about whether would adopt or try to get pregnant. It was in March, after much prayer, that we decided with certainty that our next baby would be adopted. And Jeremy and I began to pray together at this point - March 2011 - that wherever our baby was, that God would protect Him, that he would grow perfectly ... we began praying for his health and life and destiny, and we began thanking Him for our son that we knew was somewhere and would one day be with us. And we now know, that it was in March 2011 that our baby Isaiah was conceived ... both in his birth mother and also in our hearts ...

This is how God works.

And during this whole process, God spoke to us so much. It was like being on a highway, and you see signs that you are headed in the right direction ... a few miles later, you see another sign confirming you are still headed the right way ... And that is what the past 9 months have been like. There are several incredible details that we want to share at some point, and I will post them here on the blog, but today is just a day of thankfulness.

Last night, Jeremy and I were talking about all that just happened. How surreal it is and how big God is. How God put people in our lives that have been praying for us and over us. Friends that have given such support ... that have loved isaiah with us even before they have even met him. We have literally been blown away and so humbled by the love that we have received and the love that people have shown our son. People are amazing. We have the greatest friends. We have even recieved love, support, help from people that don't even personally know us.
And over the past 2wks, our family has been strengthened and connected at a whole new level. Its like God took the four of us, added one more, and totally joined us in a whole new way. And every single time we faced opposition, He just tightened the bond between us. Its been so amazing, and such a time of growth for our family, our marriage, and our walks with God.

Wealth is a funny thing. People tend to think of it as being associated with finances and possessions. However, wealth really has nothing to do with money, but everything to do with love. Love is the currency of heaven. People are the treasures and hidden riches (Isaiah 45:3). Life is all about love and relationship. Wealth has nothing to do with finances. And we truly feel like the wealthiest people in the world. We are so thankful for the people that God has placed around us. We are so thankful for family and friends that have supported us and encouraged us as we have walked this out. We are so thankful for our beautiful new son and our beautiful girls that love so big. We are so thankful for our marriage that God has strengthened in such an amazing way over the past 2 wks, and our family of 5 that he has knit together with such love. We are so thankful for Isaiahs birth parents and for the way God has enlarged our hearts to love them in a way we didn't even know would be possible.

God is in the details of life ... it literally leaves me in absolute awe. There is so much to be thankful for. We are so blessed and life is so beautiful.

Summary of the weekend ...

There is so much I could write about what happened over the last 2wks. So much that I might end up writing a book one day ;)
Needless to say, it has been life changing in so many different ways.

We found out at 9:30 Thursday night that she was going into labor. Jer got home from Nashville at 2 am and we left at 7am that morning to drive to orlando. We went straight to the hospital to meet Isaiah and his birth parents. He was perfect and beautiful, and his birth parents were so sweet. Our hearts filled with love for them in a way we never expected ... they are wonderful people and love this little boy so much. They just knew they could not provide for him what he needed. Truly, they gave a sacrifice of love and we have such respect for them.

After visiting, we went to check into the condo and had plans to go back the following morning. We were all totally exhausted and got in bed right away. However, that night I woke up with a terrible stomach flu ... the sickest I have been in as long as I can remember. And then Riley got it. So, Saturday, Ri and I were sick and my amazing husband and sweet 18month old hung out the whole day while ri and I tried to get some sort of energy back. The next day we would be bringing home an infant, and I knew I was going to need energy somehow, some way ....
God is so faithful, and as I was reminded that day by a wonderful friend, as I was lying in bed unable to function, He is faithful, and He will ALWAYS provide us what we need to do what He has called us to do ...

The next morning, I woke up feeling great :) Jer, however, was sick. UGH! We went to get Isaiah from the hospital at about 6:30 that night, got home around 8:30, and Jer and the girls headed straight to bed. Isaiah and I hung out all night together :) Even though I was so exhausted, it was so special having that time with him.

So, now, we had Isaiah, however, there is a law that you cannot leave the state to travel into your home state until paperwork, called the ICPC, is completed. It is paperwork that both TN and FL would have to sign off on and submit. So, until that was complete, we could not leave Florida. This paperwork can, on average, take 7-10 days. And because Thanksgiving was Thursday, and offices would be closed, if the paperwork was not complete before Thanksgiving, then we would be forced to stay in Florida until the following week. And this, would have been just terrible! At this point, we were just so emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted and spent, that all we wanted was to be at home, with our kids, in our home.

So, we were praying for this paperwork to be processed so fast ... that the right people would be in the right place at the right time so we could be cleared to leave before thanksgiving break.

Isaiah and I went to see his birth parents Tuesday afternoon, then the 4 of us went to his first doctors appt. On the way to his appt, at about 330 in the afternoon, I got a message, that our paperwork had CLEARED! We were totally floored, and again, in absolute awe of the bigness of God. The earliest we had expected to hear anything about paperwork was Wed evening, and this was Tuesday. No explanation for the speed of this clearance other than GOD ... He is so good and so faithful.

After saying our goodbyes to his birthparents, we went to the condo. Jeremy had already thrown everything into bags :) haha ... We loaded the car, and headed back to Knoxville. We drove through the night. Our girls, who were completely exhausted from this trip, and from being sick, and having everything about their lives thrown upside down, were ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! The drive home, might have been the hardest drive EVER ... they stayed awake until 4 am ... yes, 4 am. Such a great thing that their little brother might be the easiest, sweetest baby ever, and he loves sleeping :) We got home at 5am, put them in bed. Of course, Isaiah was awake at this point, so I was up with him until about 6, we slept a couple hours and then the day began.... Exhausted, but overjoyed ... the first day as a family of 5 in our home :)

We got a call about a baby Sunday night, November 13. Totally unprepared, but willing to follow God wherever He leads and trust in His provision... The baby is born Friday November 18 ... He officially becomes our son, Sunday November 20 ... We come home with our new baby Tuesday November 22 ... 9 days ... 9 days ... 9 days ... what an unreal 9 days ... life-changing 9 days ... so in awe of God and how He works ...

What a trip, what an experience, what a life ... we are blessed :)

on our way!!

On our way to florida...
quick update ...

they are expecting isaiah to be born around noonish ... we should be there by 5 ...

i talked to both of his parents yesterday and they are AWESOME!! the sweetest people with such beautiful hearts! we are beyond excited to meet them and so thankful to them for this amazing gift of life they have given us!

i will write more about them later, but they are so great ... please be praying for them for peace throughout today and the days to come ...

God is so awesome ... in awe of how He works ...
this situation is the most perfect thing ever ... in every way ... He is so good....

thank you for prayers and support! will post pics when we can!!

BABY TIME!!!

WOW! Things can move FASTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
Wait and wait, and then BOOM - heres your baby!!!
Basically, that is what has happened. This will be short and fast post to just get word out and I will write more details later when I can catch my breath ...

Sunday was Riley's 4th birthday. In the middle of her party, I got a call, and I saw it was an unknown number and immediately thought it could be an agency. And it was. They basically asked if we would be committed to this child, and it was such a crazy intense moment, with kids running around, our first daughters 4th birthday, and then being presented with the possibility of this baby. I told her I would have to call her back after everyone left and after Jeremy and I had a chance to talk. Before Jer and I had a chance to talk, she called again because there was some urgency with this situation. The mother was 3.5cm dilated already and things were moving fast.

So, attempting to make a long story short, we have our baby :)
We have nothing ready for him because we weren't expecting it to happen like this and the whole time it has been a little hard for me to get things ready not knowing when a baby would come, so I just thought we would wait until we had a heads up about a baby and then start preparing. But, thats not the way it worked, soooooooooooooooo -

Jeremy is out of town 3 nights this week ... which is so not a normal thing for him, and kinda funny that it is happening this week of all weeks. Obviously, there is so incredibly much to do right now, and she could go into labor at any time.

The birth parents are in Florida, so the four of us will drive 10hrs to orlando when she goes into active labor. We will have to stay there for 1-2wks while all the paperwork is completed for us to leave the state and travel home with him.

His mother is Hispanic (cuban), his father is african american. His name is Isaiah Michael Grubb. We are so excited. And while this is complete craziness all the sudden, I think I function so much better that way :).

Please be praying for us and this entire situation. There are alot of little details that we really need to see Gods hand in ... finding a place for us to stay in Florida, driving with the girls for 10hrs, obviously Isaiah and his parents, us getting everything ready at home, paperwork processed quickly ... and on and on and on. So, pray for us as we walk this part of the journey out!

I will share more details in the next few days when I can! Thanks for your love and support, and thank you for loving our new little boy :)

and we wait ...

I have not updated in so long. If you are reading this blog, then you are probably my mom, because i am sure everyone else thinks I have quit this whole blogging our adoption adventure at this point ...

However, I am hoping to start updating much more frequently. There is a little bit of a lull in the process after all the paperwork is submitted and until we get a phone call. This is now the waiting period, with not much news to report. Right now we have applied to 4 agencies. So, our applications are being processed with those agencies now. We have applied to 2 agencies in Florida, 1 in Utah, and 1 in Arizona ... all 'adoption friendly' states. However, technically, the baby could be from anywhere. Those agencies will help mothers outside of those states, so just because our applications are with those agencies, does not mean we will definitely travel to one of those places to get our little boy.

There is still so much unknown. And normally, if you know me, you know that I like to know things. I am super analytical and like to know what is going on and what is next ... and so, you would think that this not-knowing and waiting process would drive me crazy. But, it is such the opposite. Jeremy and I have such a crazy supernatural amazing peace about this whole thing. We could get a call today about a baby ... it could be months from now ... and that doesn't stress either of us at all. What we know is so much greater than what we don't know. We know God spoke, we know He has a baby for us, we know we are following His voice, and we know that His way is perfect ... this is a willful surrender to His purpose, plan and destiny for our family. And I am truly learning the absolute joy and rest and peace that comes when you hear Gods voice and surrender yourself to Him ... even in the midst of uncertainty ... even when you don't know how this is going to work out or what is going to happen. Knowing God is GOOD, knowing His love ... it just makes the journey so fun.

There is a peace and a rest and a strength and a JOY that overflows, when you set your gaze on the only sure thing in this world ... there is a knowing in the midst of the unknown that causes everything to make sense ...

I will update again soon ... very soon ... and maybe, just maybe, it will be about our new baby :)